“One day I’ll fly away. Leave all this to yesterday.”
My emotions are getting sharper and sharper as time grows short. I’m finding it extremely difficult to hold back the tears now. The only thing I can compare to the painful, bittersweet anticipation of being four months away from something I’ve ached for since forever are memories of Christmas as a child. Like Linus Van Pelt said, “Christmas is at the top of a very high mountain.” I resonate with my illustrated friend. That’s what it feels like to me…Christmas…times a thousand.
There is another reason for my mind traveling to Christmas, of thinking about a certain fat man and what he has for me in his fat sack. (I’m perfectly comfortable with the double entendre there.) Specifically, I’m thinking about where he lives, because in four months, my flight path will lead to Chicago and then over the North pole to Tokyo, before finally speeding down to Thailand and the magic city of Bangkok.
The closer I get, the more vulnerable and raw I feel. From the girls I’ve talked to, this doesn’t seem to be a unique feeling. I had to leave our meetup on Thursday early because I was about to sob all over everyone. Four days removed from that incident, I have no idea why I was becoming so upset. At this point, I just want to fast forward my life. If only I could click a remote control and instantly be waking up in the hospital, I would take that option in a New York minute.
Cross the T’s, dot the I’s. Cross ‘em, dot ‘em. Cross…dot. Passport insanity begins today and with it, the biggest wrinkle in my preparation. Six months ago, I sent away to the city of my birth, Chicago, for copies of my birth certificate in my female name. I changed my name legally in my former residence of Iowa, in 2006, but the bureaucracy in Illinois is tremendously suffocating. For some reason, my home state is as backward as New Guinea as far as trans people goes. At this moment, the state of Illinois will only change your gender marker if you have gotten your surgery done with a surgeon certified in the US. There have been rumblings of a change, but as of now, I may not be able to change my gender marker until they reverse that silly policy.
I can’t write very much right now, my focus is astonishingly scattered and is frustrating me to no end. I think I need to find some writing exercises to kick my mind back on track. Otherwise, my thoughts may derail. My train may be going ‘round the twist. I need to kick my caboose back into gear.
I’m all misty-eyed again. This time, I’m all weepy because I just received an email from one of my new friends on the East coast. She sent long distance hugs, which immediately had me missing her so profoundly, I couldn’t hold back the waterworks. More mixed emotions. More entangled feelings. Situation normal, I suppose. But that’s okay. One day I’ll fly away. Fly, fly away.