You’re so insecure you self destroyer.
Paranoia, the destroyer. -The Kinks
So this is it. One more rainstorm and then it’s George Harrison, slow and sweet with “Here Comes the Sun”.
When you are trans and you start out on this long and winding road, there is a natural tendency to look at transition as one mountain after another. You climb that peak and all you see is the next one and the next one and the next one. It starts to feel like this is your life. Your life is a series of one obstacle after another and you wonder if this is now going to be your life, for the rest of your life.
So now, when I’m near the end and my world isn’t crowded with mountains, now that I see a cloudless sky and a glorious new day, why do I now feel such a sharp feeling of dread and paranoia?
Is that just human nature? Or is it just Zoey’s nature?
The last hurdle are the medical tests. EKG, chest x-ray and blood work. Lots of blood work. And I feel completely paranoid that for some reason, I’ll fail the tests. I think about it so much, it seems like an occupation. And it’s one of those jobs from hell.
As I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t slept more than four hours at a stretch since I was told the finances were in place. Since this is the case, I’m wondering if I’m having some kind of mini psychotic break. I’m looking for phantoms and since I’m looking so intensely I’m finding them in spades.
There is a human need to attempt to control everything in our world and in our arrogance, we sometimes convince ourselves that we can affect events beyond our control. I have done what I can do. I’ve made my way here, somehow. At times, my way has been lit by a brilliant, beautiful sun, sometimes led by the beam of a flashlight and sometimes I have been stumbling in the dark. And here I stand. I have done what I can do. Now I have to let go. Now I have to trust in the universe to put me where I need to be. If that place is Bangkok, Thailand, then that’s where I will be. I am tired of holding on so tight, and now I am going to try to let go of the railing.
Since I’ve ripped off the Beatles twice in this post, in behooves me to complete the trifecta. It’s just too perfect not to quote. It’s time to close my eyes and fall backward. It’s time for “Tomorrow Never Knows.”
Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream. It is not dying. It is not dying.
Control is an illusion and it’s time to embrace the real.