Today is another Monday and it feels like it. I’ve been on Social Security Disability for more than eight years, but Monday still feels like Monday. For me, Monday is dread. Monday is desperation and resignation. Monday feels like a terrible, haggard realism. Monday is the day the bill are due. Monday is the morning after. Monday is ugly day.
Today…Monday, also marks 19 days until the big plane leaves for Bangkok. Since today is Monday, the worst part of the tragic, terrible consequences possible are in the forefront of my mind. I think about the pain. I think about the pain a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this is what I want and what I need, but thoughts of the pain in my chest and of course the pain deep inside my new, raw vagina go through my mind at least a few times a day. They say the chest pain is far worse than the pain of reassignment surgery. They say the pain of facial surgery, which I have undergone is far worse. I don’t know how that can be true. I try to tell myself that I have chosen one of the foremost SRS surgeons in the world. I tell myself that he knows his stuff and that he can do this operation with ease, but on Monday all I can think of is blood and grit and intravenous injections and pain.
I feel that I’ve been pulling away from friends and that was not a strategic, thought out decision. I feel as though I have been getting more introspective, I want to spend more and more time with myself as the days tick off. I have decided to tell myself that I have pulled away because I’m trying to save money for this big trip but the truth is I just haven’t been able to say anything and honestly at this point I am very aware of how much of a broken record I am. I wish I could reassure my friends, especially my online friends who can’t watch my expression change when I start to get emotional. I love you still. Actually, as my time online has decreased lately, my need for you has increased. So LisaB’EllanaJackieAnnaStephanieNicoleLeahTerryDanielleJeffreyEricErinJodieNinaJayneJenniferChristineCCTheresaPaulaEricaBenTomLaylaDawnMarshaBrittanyAlisonAutumnRussellKristinAngelKevinGaryCymbreDarin?? I’ll talk to you soon.
I’m about to bother my girlfriend and see which personality is in the driver’s seat. Having a significant other with dissociative identity disorder isn’t as difficult or confusing as it might sound. On the bad days, the Mondays, she is a bright little light in my life and I don’t care which one of them is around, I just need her, everyday. And then the pain doesn’t seem quite so bad.