I watched Dr. Oz on TV today.  It’s not something I normally do.  I have no idea where it is filmed.  Wish I knew.  All his audience got lots of cool free stuff today.  I’d like to have some of it.  But, on the Dr. Oz show, he said we could go to his website and ask questions.  Yeah, right.  Only if they are standard questions with pre-selected  standard answers.  Nothing personal.  So, I decided, I’d look on the internet for some type of “ask the doctor” site.  Found it.  Asked my personal question.  Got an answer right away from Dr. Abby.  She said she would gladly help me, my problem was right up her alley.  It was in her area of expertise.  Awesome.  Except —- I had to send her $35 before she would answer.  WHAT????  It’s the fricken internet. I just need an answer to a fricken question.  I am on Social Security – ergo – no money.  I have no insurance (can’t afford it).  I’m too young for Medicare.  2 more years.  So, if I can’t afford to go to my own doctor, how the bloody hell am I supposed to come up with $35 for one fricken question?

The question?  Sleep!  Or rather, how can I obtain this illusive state?  I have had insomnia for so long, I can’t remember when last I had a decent night’s sleep.  I’ve tried so many over the counter sleep aids that it isn’t even funny.  I hear of a new one, I’m trying it.  At one time, (when I had insurance – and money) my doctor prescribed Ambien.  This stuff was awesome.  I would sit on the couch, take the pill, stagger to bed, fall in and was instantly asleep.  A couple of years later, I got another prescription for it.  Only this time, it didn’t work.  At all.  I’ve tried white noise, one of those machines that give you the choice of the sound of crickets, or waves pounding on the beach. or…yeah, a sound machine.  Nope.  Doesn’t work.  I even drank a half a bottle of champagne.  That didn’t work either.  I take a dose of Ibuprofen to make sure there are no little aches and pains, but still just lie there tossing and turning.  Most times it’s dawn before I finally drop off.  Right before the alarm goes off.

I walk around all day like a zombie.  I’m exhausted all the time.  Too tired to do what needs to be done.  Exercise? Are you out of your mind?  I can barely lift my feet up to walk, let alone try to exercise to prissy, perky, Miss Perfect Size 3 cheerleader training videos.  I’m so tired that it takes my eyeballs a few seconds to catch up with my head when I turn it.  It’s like watching a bad film, only it’s my eyeballs moving in slow motion.  Not fun.

My husband used to sit in his recliner, kick it back and in 3 seconds flat his snores could drown out the landing on D-day.  Not me.  I kick back and instantly see that I need to paint the ceiling.  Oh geeze, the curtains are dusty.  Hey, is that a spider spinning a web in that corner?

Once I get to sleep, which is rare, I’m up and down.  A 63 year old bladder likes to wake me up to go empty itself.  Can I have a bladder transplant?  I’d like one of a 20 year old nurse…not make that a nursing student.  Those chicks are on call ALL the time.  No time for potty breaks.  Then, maybe I could sleep without having to wake up to use the toilet.  Plus, every time I turn over, I wake up.  My pillow gets hot, I wake up.  The dog walks into the room to check on me, I wake up.  I’m about to make love to Gerard Butler, I wake up. Oh, that was a dream.  But I didn’t get to complete it.  How sad is that?

Anybody know of a sure way for me to get some sleep?  Remember, I have no money to buy fancy gadgets and gizmos.  Any medicines must be VERY inexpensive.  I’d be willing to try hypnosis, except you have to be asleep to get the hypnotic suggestion.  I’d try acupuncture, except I’d be afraid of poking my eyes out as I laid there tossing and turning with all those needles sticking out of me. (or into me – whichever)

Well, it’s after 3 in the AM.  I’m beat.  Gonna try that sleep thing again.  Wish me luck.

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